Recently, I ran across a short story contest of five hundred words or less, and just for fun, I decided to write one. Now, I knocked this out in one
hour, so I don't expect anything amazing, but the feedback from my family and
friends surprised me, so I wanted to offer this up to my online community of
friends and see what your thoughts are. If you enjoy it, please add your suggestions below, and each week, I'll write five hundred more words based on your suggestions. Also, if I use your suggestion, and you haven't read and would like to read one of my novels, I will send you any of my books free.
By the way, I don't believe in long blogs, so this short story takes only two and a half minutes to read.
The
old wooden building looked innocent enough, but the lack of surrounding cars
gave Gino pause as he opened the door of his Hybrid. The GPS he and Sheila had
been using had directed them off the highway in search of gas, but there were
no gas stations around, just one country store in the outskirts of this
Northern Californian town.
Sheila
opened her door, but he waved her off. “Stay in the car. Let me check this
place out.”
She
jumped out anyway. “But I have to go. I’ve had to go since that last exit you
ignored.”
“Fine,”
Gino replied, walking toward the entrance, Sheila on his heels. He listened for sounds but heard nothing.
“What do you think?”
“I
think I need a bathroom—bad!”
Gino
reached for the knob, but before he could turn the handle, the door screeched
open as if the wind had pushed it. A faint sound of bells on the door sounded
over his head. “Hello?” he called. The sound of his voice faded into the
stillness of the store. The only noise came from the creaking of the wood
planks below the new Toms his wife had talked him into buying. “Is anyone
here?” he called again.
A
crackling sound started up behind the counter. Someone had turned on an old AM
radio. The music that emanated was reminiscent of old 50s style music his
grandfather used to listen to.
“Afternoon,”
a man called out in a hoarse voice, as he popped up from behind the register.
“You kids ain’t from around here, are ya?”
“Uh,
no, sir,” Gino stuttered, not sure why he couldn’t find his voice. “We’re
heading to a wedding, and we just ran low on gas and were wondering if there
was a gas station around here.”
The
man chuckled. “Son, you don’t need gas. You got a full tank.”
Gino
shook his head. “Excuse me, how would—” Sheila tugged on his arm and gave him
the look he knew all too well; they’d stopped a hundred times on this trip.
“Sir, is there a restroom my wife could use?”
“Round
back, but she doesn’t have to go.”
“What’s
that racket, Joe?” An old woman stepped through a doorway on the other side of
the room.
Gino
gasped and grabbed Sheila’s hand, pulling her toward the door. “Let’s get out
of here.”
“But—”
“Trust
me. Something isn’t right.”
The
old man stepped around the counter. “Just a couple of lost souls, Martha.” The
man moved toward them, and Gino could feel beads of sweat dampen his forehead,
but the man just opened the door, allowing them to leave. “We’ll see yens back
here soon.” Then he lowered his head and looked Gino deep in the eyes. “Don’t
you recognize me, son?”
Gino
pushed Sheila through the doorway and toward the car door.
“What
the heck are you doing, Gino?”
Gino's heart pounded in his chest. "That was my Grandpa Joe. He died twenty years ago.
Okay,
that’s it. Any ideas on what's happening or happens next? Please feel free to comment. I’d
love to hear your thoughts, and I'll add five hundred words each week.
About me:
I write
modern-day fairytales filled with romance, mystery, suspense, and of course,
tragedy. After all, what would a fairytale be without a tragic event setting
the stage? All of my novels are sensual, but not erotic, gripping but not
graphic and will hopefully make you cry, laugh, love, and hope.
I love talking
about all things books, so please connect with me via one of the links below.
Books available:
When
two strangers have nothing left but their dreams, they must forge a
relationship in Nantahala, North Carolina, a small town known as Land of the
Noonday Sun.
After
secrets and a mysterious background leave a wife’s life hanging by a thread, a
husband must look for answers in the only place he knows—the past.
Now available at:
And coming soon, Entangled Dreams
Carmen, I like this and you can do this two ways. The couple are already dead, not remembering the crash they were in or do a jump into an alternate dimension where they meet copies of people who live on earth. I hope to see more of this story.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Marie, for your feedback. I'm going to hold my comments until later today, but I wanted you to know I saw your comment. :)
DeleteMarie, believe it or not, I originally saw them in a purgatory type situation--and you'll see that in tomorrow's 500 words. And I haven't ruled out any type of paranormal. Thank you for your feedback and I hope you will enjoy the direction I took with MJ's leading and will add some more feedback for me.
DeleteWonderful! Off to share!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sandy. Please come back tomorrow and see which direction our story took and feel free to give your feedback.
DeleteIdeas? Hmm...it could be a dream that was so realistic he thought it was real. They can keep cycling back to the same country store every night (when he goes to sleep) and each time something new about his grandparents emerge that give him clues as to how they were murdered years ago.....which put him on the trail of their killer, because he's a detective, and eventually puts him and his wife/girlfriend in a life and death situation. How you like that for musing!!! lol
ReplyDeleteI must say, MJ, I was with Marie originally, but I liked your idea. I love a story with a slight paranormal, so it stays believable, so we'll have to see how we can keep this going. Please stop in tomorrow and see how I worked your suggestions and mentioned Marie's thoughts too. Thanks!
DeleteWow! What great ideas...I should do this with every story. More please, or thoughts on the two ideas so far. Loving this!
ReplyDelete