Recently, I ran across a short story contest of five hundred words or less, and just for fun, I decided to write one. Now, I knocked this out in one
hour, so I don't expect anything amazing, but the feedback from my family and
friends surprised me, so I wanted to offer this up to my online community of
friends and see what your thoughts were. If you enjoy it, please add your suggestions below, and each week, I'll write five hundred more words based on your suggestions. .
The old wooden café appeared safe enough,
but the lack of surrounding cars gave Gino Canale pause as he opened the door
of his hybrid. The GPS he and Sheila had been using had directed them off the
highway in search of gas. But there were no gas stations around, just one
country store on the outskirts of this Northern California town.
Sheila opened her door, but he waved
her off. “Stay in the car. Let me check out this place.”
As usual, she did what she wanted and
jumped out anyway. “I have to go. I’ve had to go since that last exit you
ignored.”
“Fine,” Gino replied, walking toward
the entrance, Sheila on his heels. He listened for sounds of life, but utter
silence greeted him. Normally there’d be a hum of electricity, birds chirping …
something. A lopsided sign behind a dusty windowpane indicated the café was
open, though. He turned to his wife. “What do you think?”
“I think I need a bathroom — now!”
Gino reached for the doorknob, but
before he could turn the tarnished brass handle, the door screeched open as if
the wind — or someone — had opened it. Bells tinkled above the doorframe,
announcing his arrival.
“Hello?” he called, but his voice faded
into the stillness of the store. The only noise came from the creaking of the
wood planks below the new Crocs his wife had talked him into buying. “Is anyone
here?”
A crackling sound started up behind the
counter. Someone had turned on an old AM radio. The music that emanated was
reminiscent of old fifties-style music his grandparents used to listen to.
“Afternoon,” a man called out in a
hoarse voice as he popped up from behind the register. “You kids ain’t from
around here, are ya?”
“Uh, no, sir,” Gino stuttered, not sure
why he couldn’t find his voice. “We’re heading to a wedding, and we just ran
low on gas and were wondering if there was a gas station nearby.”
The man chuckled. “Son, you don’t need
gas. You’ve got a full tank.”
Gino shook his head. “Excuse me, how
would —” Sheila tugged on his arm, then flashed him the look he knew all too
well; they’d stopped a hundred times on this trip. “Sir, is there a restroom my
wife could use?”
“’Round back, but she doesn’t have to
go.”
“What’s that racket, Joe?” An old woman
stepped through a doorway on the other side of the room.
Gino gasped and grabbed Sheila’s hand,
pulling her toward the door. “Let’s get out of here.”
“But —”
“Trust me, honey. Something isn’t
right.”
The old man stepped around the counter.
“Just a couple of lost souls, Martha.” As the man moved toward them, Gino felt beads
of sweat dampen his forehead, but the man just opened the door, allowing them
to leave. “We’ll see yens back here soon.” He lowered his head and stared Gino
deep in the eyes. “Don’t you recognize me, son?”
Gino nudged Sheila through the doorway
toward their vehicle.
“What the heck are you doing, Gino?”
his wife screeched.
Gino’s heart pounded in his chest.
“That was my Grandpap Joe. He died twenty years ago.”
Okay,
that’s it. Any ideas on what's happening or happens next? Please feel free to comment. I’d
love to hear your thoughts, and I'll add five hundred words each week.
I love talking
about all things books, so please connect with me via one of the links below.
Carmen, I like this and you can do this two ways. The couple are already dead, not remembering the crash they were in or do a jump into an alternate dimension where they meet copies of people who live on earth. I hope to see more of this story.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Marie, for your feedback. I'm going to hold my comments until later today, but I wanted you to know I saw your comment. :)
DeleteMarie, believe it or not, I originally saw them in a purgatory type situation--and you'll see that in tomorrow's 500 words. And I haven't ruled out any type of paranormal. Thank you for your feedback and I hope you will enjoy the direction I took with MJ's leading and will add some more feedback for me.
DeleteWonderful! Off to share!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sandy. Please come back tomorrow and see which direction our story took and feel free to give your feedback.
DeleteIdeas? Hmm...it could be a dream that was so realistic he thought it was real. They can keep cycling back to the same country store every night (when he goes to sleep) and each time something new about his grandparents emerge that give him clues as to how they were murdered years ago.....which put him on the trail of their killer, because he's a detective, and eventually puts him and his wife/girlfriend in a life and death situation. How you like that for musing!!! lol
ReplyDeleteI must say, MJ, I was with Marie originally, but I liked your idea. I love a story with a slight paranormal, so it stays believable, so we'll have to see how we can keep this going. Please stop in tomorrow and see how I worked your suggestions and mentioned Marie's thoughts too. Thanks!
DeleteWow! What great ideas...I should do this with every story. More please, or thoughts on the two ideas so far. Loving this!
ReplyDelete